Wow... Am I pathetic or what?

I've been sitting in my apartment for the past 72 hours and haven't done anything really productive. Yes, a few things here and there around the house, but nothing solid. Just been playing video games, watching movies (Paranormal Activity 2 and Red State), watching How I Met Your Mother and stuff. I then decided to venture back here.

I'm reading these other posts and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I fall for people WAY to easily. The last one, I'm still not over. But, I'm on my way. I've cut off all contact with her. People are telling her things that I've said recently on facebook. Even if they weren't pertaining to her and she has gotten upset. Whatever... I'm not the one that hurt her. She doesn't even care about hurting me. It's fine.

I've been here struggling with myself. I'm wondering what the purpose of my life truly is. I'm not really great at anything except frustrating myself. I'm not too sure if it's because I feel so gross in my skin I'm guessing so. I'm about to try Advocare. Kind of nervous, not gonna lie. I'm starting tomorrow. I'm hoping to lose about 20 lbs in the next 24 days. We'll see what happens...

Okay. I'm going to catch up on my Words With Friends games and go to bed. Hopefully, I'll get some sleep. I'll try not to sleep in too much...

Another Long Time Since Post

What a disaster... I went to Seattle this weekend. It was my nephew's, Tucker, first birthday party. I guess I over thought the greatness of what the weekend should/would bring...

I anticipated seeing the previously mentioned lady quite frequently. I was mistaken. I also thought that she would be more excited than she was. It basically consumed my whole presence this trip. I genuinely can say that I love this woman. She is everything that I could want in a woman. She's so smart, funny, loving of her friends and drop dead gorgous. My heart skips a beat everytime I'm in her presence... I guess that's why I wanted to be around her so much.

So, I basically put most of my cards into being able to see her and didn't make plans with other friends. I knew that she was going to be busy a few days, just not all of them. Just my luck. I did buy her flowers and left them on her porch before I left. All I got was, "Did you leave me flowers?" I said "Could be." (I was pretty frustrated and wasn't being the best of people at the time) But right afterward I explained exactly why I was frustrated. I got so grief and then recieved no other comments from her at the time I departed back to San Diego.

I'm now on the plane. I paid for the internets. I wrote her a facebook message. She hasn't responded, but she has had time to comment on other peoples stuff. LOL. It's fine. I just wish I knew if she really loved me as she said she does. I really don't feel like it. I love her so much... Maybe too much for our situation. But I can't help what the heart wants.

I guess I need to just live for myself. I'm almost feeling at this point that I'm never going to find someone to share my lifetime with. A few months ago, I was content with that notion. She put the hope and love back in there. Maybe that is why I am... I don't know. I want to say "clinging" to the hope that something can exist in the future with this beautiful person.

So, I guess that tomorrow is the quest for my own life. My own processes to rebuilding the shambles of the hope of a life. It's going to take hard work and dedication. But, I need to do it for myself and not anyone else... Like Scott Pilgrim. "Scott just earned the power of self respect!!"

HERE WE GO! The plane is in it's final decent. I better try to wrap this up before I get bitch slapped by the attendants. Til next time. Hopefully, it'll be a good thing then. LOL

A Few Things

Okay, been a few weeks since I posted... Here we go...





Things have been pretty good. I'm still falling for this certain girl. It's so tough because I don't know what she is thinking half the time. Text communication is killing me. So, I'm trying to change it. I have called her the past few days. Everytime, she texts me about how happy she is to talk to me. Yet, she doesn't ever try to call me... I can understand that she thinks I may be working, but really? You can't leave a message?

I really want to just be with her. I'm constantly hoping that things will just happen and she'll want to move down here and be with me... We'll see if that ever happens.

She did come down and visit me for a few days. It was one of the best times that I have ever had. I couldn't tell anyone though. She's still not sure if she wants people to know that she's into me or not.. I don't know how that makes me feel. I would tell the world. I guess I'm just not as important as I'd like to be. But, like the saying says, "Just because someone isn't loving you as much as you'd like, doesn't mean that they aren't loving you with everything that they have."

Oh well. Time will tell. I've just felt very insecure about it for a while. Especially in the last hour or so. It'll get better....

4/4

Had my performance appraisal today at work. My sup. said that everything was going well. I don't know if I agree at this moment. I mean, yes, things are just continuing right along. I haven't been striving to excell. I need to step it up... I shall say it again!! STEP IT UP!!!! Waiting to see what the future brings. I'm hoping for a sign that things will actually happen in the love department. There is definatly somone that I'm hoping to continue seeing. So far, things have been amazing. The distance hasn't really been as difficult as I thought it would be. I think I just need her to decide if she actually wants to move down this way or not. I'm blessed to have her in my life no matter what happens. Of course, I'm not going to tell her exactly how I feel. May not be prudent. We'll see what happens. No matter what, it's time to step it up in everything... DO WORK!!!!!!

Today's creativity

I wasn't as creative as I wanted to be. However, I did create a decent dinner. I baked a bone in ribeye covered in Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ, with boxed Jullian potatoes, Stove-top Stuffing and fresh green beans.. Hahaha I know, I know... The extra stuff isn't good. (except for the steamed fresh green beans) but it's better than going to McDonalds. It's the effort that counts. haha Okay, to be more creative tomorrow...

Year and a Half

Really? Has it been that long? I need to be able to do this more often... So much has changed. By myself in California. New job doing almost the same thing. Missing a woman that I've only met a few times...

Yet, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I can't wait for the future... Bring it on!

Right on

I sold the last of my Dave Matthews tickets. Well, I am at 11am today. I'm excited to just get rid of them. I'm now going on Sunday. I'm really, really, really excited to go to that concert. I have wanted to go for years and I'm finally going. I'm going with the girl that I have been talking about in the last few posts.

She's also coming over to our house for the BBQ. I'm kind of nervous. I'm starting to like her probably more than I should. We'll see what happens.

Okay, I need to get to work on cleaning. The party is two days away and I don't have much time to clean...