What a disaster... I went to Seattle this weekend. It was my nephew's, Tucker, first birthday party. I guess I over thought the greatness of what the weekend should/would bring...
I anticipated seeing the previously mentioned lady quite frequently. I was mistaken. I also thought that she would be more excited than she was. It basically consumed my whole presence this trip. I genuinely can say that I love this woman. She is everything that I could want in a woman. She's so smart, funny, loving of her friends and drop dead gorgous. My heart skips a beat everytime I'm in her presence... I guess that's why I wanted to be around her so much.
So, I basically put most of my cards into being able to see her and didn't make plans with other friends. I knew that she was going to be busy a few days, just not all of them. Just my luck. I did buy her flowers and left them on her porch before I left. All I got was, "Did you leave me flowers?" I said "Could be." (I was pretty frustrated and wasn't being the best of people at the time) But right afterward I explained exactly why I was frustrated. I got so grief and then recieved no other comments from her at the time I departed back to San Diego.
I'm now on the plane. I paid for the internets. I wrote her a facebook message. She hasn't responded, but she has had time to comment on other peoples stuff. LOL. It's fine. I just wish I knew if she really loved me as she said she does. I really don't feel like it. I love her so much... Maybe too much for our situation. But I can't help what the heart wants.
I guess I need to just live for myself. I'm almost feeling at this point that I'm never going to find someone to share my lifetime with. A few months ago, I was content with that notion. She put the hope and love back in there. Maybe that is why I am... I don't know. I want to say "clinging" to the hope that something can exist in the future with this beautiful person.
So, I guess that tomorrow is the quest for my own life. My own processes to rebuilding the shambles of the hope of a life. It's going to take hard work and dedication. But, I need to do it for myself and not anyone else... Like Scott Pilgrim. "Scott just earned the power of self respect!!"
HERE WE GO! The plane is in it's final decent. I better try to wrap this up before I get bitch slapped by the attendants. Til next time. Hopefully, it'll be a good thing then. LOL
